you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
