Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
