I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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