when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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