We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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