Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't deserve a penis
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize