Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
