It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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