So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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