I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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