I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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