you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
