she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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