Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
