By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
