I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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