My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
