I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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