why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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