that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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