You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
