My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
