I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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