So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
