Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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