I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
