You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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