The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have fence marks all over my body
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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