I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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