Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I want to fling myself into the sun
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
