You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
