he wants to bone in the snuggie
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
im on a boat
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