maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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