How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
