I wanna bring you to show and tell
she was so not down for the gang bang
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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