Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
