I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
