Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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