Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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