May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
