we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
