you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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