something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Green mimosas i think yes
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
