why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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