My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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