I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
