I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize