I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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