Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
