watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
