If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
