maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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