Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize