I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
