I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
