I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
