That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
