thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
