The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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