bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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