I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
