I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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