He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
